Marriage Humor
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The
wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage
and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend
enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
~~~~
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife ~ As Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband ~ Stiff At Last.'"
~~~~~~
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time
to go home, andwants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
~~
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.
The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any
good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes
he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least
a dozen rings she answers the phone.
Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?
She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what?" "I was getting a second opinion"
she replied.
~~
A man was in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at
the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve
to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid~ air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back
in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom
and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times
during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"
~~
KIDS SAY THE WANG~ DANG~ DOODLEY~
DANGDEST THINGS!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming.
~ Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
~ Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
~ Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
~ Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
~ Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
~ Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
~ Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.~
Ricky, age 10
~~
I've Learned...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After
that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others ~ they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities,
politicians or rap stars.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
down will be the ones who do.
I've learned we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction
makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will
eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F~ ~ ~ 'em in 6 languages.
~~
Laura Doyle Jokes
Q. How many Laura Doyles does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's men's work.
Q. Which method of surrender does Laura recommend, waving a white flag or
putting one's hands up?
A. As long as one surrenders one's money to Laura, either method will
suffice.
Q. Laura Doyle calls herself a feminist. Is she really a feminist?
A. Yes. Laura believes in women's rights~ ~ the right to remain silent.
Q. Is it okay to tell your husband he took a wrong turn if you see the car's
headed toward a cliff?
A. It is never okay to tell your husband he took a wrong turn. That would
be going overboard. If you find yourself going over a cliff, do not scream
as this is very disrespectful & a sure fire indicator you're a control
freak. Instead smile & with as much sincerity as you can muster, tell
him what a fabulous driver he is. If you end up in heaven together, you're
merely in the next state.
Q. What is the best way to use The Surrendered Wife for a happy marriage?
A. Suggestions include putting it under a wobbly table leg, using it to jack
up a car & as emergency toilet paper. Not Martha Stewart~ esque enough
for you? Use it as kindling for that romantic fire. You can also tear out
pages, cut out dainty little shapes & use them on the table as Doyle~
ies.
By Amy Greenebaum
~~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."
~~~~~~
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.
~~~~~~
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.
~~~~~~
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA. The rest cheat in Canada.
~~~~~~
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying,"
~~~~~~
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and by then it was too late."
~~~~~~
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
~~~~~~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with
the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
~~~~~~
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
~~~~~~
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite
sex.
Do you have any marriage jokes to add?
Email me.
